From small tables for two to life’s besetting worries…

Dear Life,

Hi! No I won’t ask how have you been coz you have always been a constant companion allowing me to witness the innumerable events that keep you occupied. Ah! You are one busy abstraction that lives in reality. Your mystique never fails to surprise me. Mind you, ever since I began writing it was about you that my pen weaved the first poetry and my journey with you only gets more bizarre and exciting.

Worries, they say, are never ours to own, are creations of this multitude of thoughts that rise in this little bundle of neocortex. Then I wonder if mine does more than necessary task required at a particular time. A second thought ( see my brain at work?) leads me to say that had my brain been over functional in a brighter way then I would have achieved feats which would have made me a 'real’ brilliant girl. Ah! Now what at all is ‘real’? My definition varies from yours and their definition may vary from both of ours.

Now I know that you can hear and feel me all the time, yet I choose to say it loud and clear that growing up isn’t an easy task at all. Next I wonder if only there was a guidebook which could teach me how to face different circumstances in different ways. My mind thinks further and tells me that considering the myriad subjectivities and contexts this could have been an indefinite guide book for which even time would fall short. And then the bulb lights up and tells me, you in your omnipresent being are a lesson, a chapter, a book and treatise; that which varies from one to another and from another to that other.

I dined with my family last night in a restaurant. Every time I visit restaurants I unknowingly look for the size of ‘a table for two’. Did you know that a table for two is often smaller than the requirements of two people? At times it is so small that it would only suffice for one person when the food ordered along with cutlery is placed on the table. I still have a vivid image of the table for two I sat on with a friend when I dined at Pizza Hut. It was a task to fit so many things on that tiny table yet enjoy them.

Now tell me, do you follow the same principle too, of course unknowingly I mean? At times you leave the table so blank that the soul starves waiting for some nourishment to come its way. Other times you double  the  platter leaving enough even when one is satiated till the brim. How about balancing it my dear? Of course if I lend you my vivid memories then you shall recall what all I’m indicating you to. And yes, just like there are hiccups which bother you just when you wish to enjoy the food you ordered, you too don’t lag behind in doing the same, hmm?

Far from being mysterious and enigmatic, it’s the puzzle you are which I wish to solve as I end this life some day. And even as I’ll narrate my own experiences to my grandchildren, if fortunate enough, even then, you being you shall evade me in some ways. I won’t be able to tell them ‘ My dear kids, go live life this way’ for even then my pieces of your puzzle shall at times leave me astray. But yes, I only hope, for hope is all I have, that one fine day, I be able to look back and say “When life offered me lemons, I made lemonade on all dull days.”  

Remembering that First

First

I still remember

The first time I confessed to

My crush; I liked him

Linking at Haiku heights for the prompt 'first'.

P.S: That crush is now a sweet friend and just a friend :)

Form-less shape waiting to be formed!

Kids these days learn things faster than perhaps you did. Interestingly enough even as they might know of the many shapes, my talk is with you, adults! Oh yea, you see, I’m formless, no edges, no curves, no angles, no area, no perimeter. In short, existence, but no recognition!

It‘s a different thing to live, but living together being someone ah, altogether a different scale. I do come from an existing species, you may not have heard about it, wonder ever seen. Sometime back when I guised myself as a cloud I heard the birds chirping that humans have microscopes to see things which are miniscule and they have in fact made great progress with that instrument. Fascinating, very fascinating!

In our clan, the elders have been recognised through their share of hard work and they have earned their share of respect too. I, however, ummm, these days am waiting to be formed. Now, Its not that there is a stage- like process like becoming of a butterfly, wish it was that easy, it’s very very complex, certainly difficult for me to explain.

I’m out of my clan too and whenever I talk, it’s not sweet. May be you humans can term it ‘identity crisis’? Yes, well I heard that word once, so I’m guessing it may be closer to that for you. My dictionary however has a lot more going on in the inside than the outside.

A friend recently asked me ‘Hey Less-ly, how are you?” And I said the most common lie which you humans speak, certainly with a fake smile “I’m fine!” . Now, don’t get me wrong, but tell me, you guys lie it so often, don’t you? Simple question with a prefabricated  simple lie. Surprisingly enough I feel close to you people at the moment in that context. We here don’t usually lie. Sharing of expression comes easy to us. In the face of adversities, we sit like a family, even the neighbours and discuss things. Tears are shared and so are joys.

The other day I was morning dew which a girl of 5 year old saw settled on a leaf with the others. She simply plucked the leaf and preserved it in a jar with open holes. For days together, she talked to me. I hardly talked with other dew drops; you see I needed ‘my’ time. I quietly listened to her voice so sweet and songs so melodious. Oh! Not songs, her mother said they were ‘poems’. I wonder what the difference is between the two. Any ways, but it was not from her that I learnt to lie for she was a beauty of innocence and purity.

Her mother came to me the other day, I was surprised to see her talk to me. That is when she told me this secret. She in her teary eyed voice said to me “Hey beauty, I’ll tell you something. There is so much in this heart, heavy as a stone. I wish I could drain it like water but it refuses to melt. The weariness has been killing me every single day and every passing moment. I don’t wish to talk, don’t wish to explain, can you just understand, dewy beauty?” I too had tears in my form-less eyes. Now, you may think how can a dew get more teary than it already is, but well, like I told you, I wasn’t still recognised.

So, yes, I thought why not try out the lie I learnt from her. Guess what? It worked with that imaginary firend I mentioned a while back. In fact, my family and friends were surprised enough to see me lying like that. And after a few seconds they all laughed “ Ah! Dear darling, we know you’ve been having a hard time, but to us, you can never lie. You may be a novice and we would never want you to learn that art of lying but more important than that is to be true to yourself. You are a great baby dear and one day you’ll make us shapes proud of where you reach. A form no one would have ever seen, or even if seen, you’ll be unique. A star that’ll shine it’s own glory!”

That moment, I regained my lost self, I wept and wept and then I smiled for I had formed this invisible friendship with that little girl who befriended me. Her smile was the purest I had ever seen. The day I become what I have to, I’ll thank her.

We don’t have a God here in our land, but we have faith. Strong faith in our hearts makes us live what we are. I learnt the word God from that little girl too. What’s God? Who’s God?

Anyway I got to go……..

Living out each day….each moment….trying to smile…..to be that form ….one day!

Never Let Me Go

 “ I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water  moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it’s just too much. That current’s too strong. They’ve got to let go, drift apart. That’s how I think it is with us. It’s a shame dear, because we’ve loved each other all our lives. But in the end, we can’t stay together forever.”

I wished I would have said these lines aloud to her that day when she met me at Peacock Bay. With her hair tied back in a fuschia colored ribbon she walked towards me in that pretty baby pink dress I had gifted to her a year back. The best jewellery she wore was her smile. Oh! so vibrant and charming, that given, every time she smiled, my eyes would gleam to see her happy heart all in love with me. She had come to see me off for I had to depart for my orders at the field. We had a nice supper as she talked about the banana cinnamon muffins she had baked in the morning and how the aroma of those simply made her remind about me.

As we walked along the bay, with the sea airs making us feel cold, I drew her closer to me. She opened her bag and wrapped a purple shawl around her fragile shoulders. To think of, she wasn’t as fragile as I had thought her to be. I had seen her braving many irreparable losses that she had to see in life and had been with her all through them; yet after a few days she would be seen smiling as if she had forgotten the past and was here in the present moment with me, with ‘us’ spending the time we so lovingly deserved together. Even as I marvelled at this potential of hers, I often caught a tear or two in her eyes when she would get lost with herself looking afar at the horizon.

I told her then “Maira, you can let go of things that hold you, nothing does. Don’t let your heart get older with the pain you carry inside. Let go love, let go”. She looked at me with those tired eyes and tucked her face into my chest. She remained there like this for a few seconds, then finally her tears flooded her as if they had waited for the rains to raze the entire beauty that the village by the river was. I tightly hugged her. Even as, on that day, I had sensed the pain which she had deep inside, I only wished that she was gifted the peace that she truly deserved.

We sat there, with our bench facing the bay, for more than an hour. There was this silence which was heavy at my end. I recalled the conversation I had had with my Senior Officer in the morning that day. “I do expect you to know Dev that the situation there is very tense. You have been explained the points of attack and shelters too. Even as you go out there as peace makers, it’s important for you to be vigilant for every second you spend there. We here, at the academy are extremely proud of you. Yet when the duty calls, you ought to pay your respect, for this is what we are here for”. I departed with a loud “Yes! Sir” and a nod which meant I had heard every word correctly and I knew there was no assurance if I would be back for her and for my family that waited back home, looking forward for my next visit”.

Giving up on something was not my style, whether it was an honour or my love of life. Yet life being life, one never knew what might happen the next moment. And when  I saw her there restful in my arms, I couldn’t make myself tell her what my posting in the north east state was for. She had questioned me twice before on different occasions for she had read about the unrest there. I had ignored her question and smartly taken it to a different path. It had been more than a year with her. I recalled that day when I asked her for a date over a walk with ice cream. Her eyes got big as I asked her. She savoured her butterscotch cornetto for a while enjoying it as if that’s all that was there. I waited for a few minutes and then asked. “ Ma’am, I wonder you heard me a few seconds back?” “Oh! sorry. What did you say?” Even today I remember the courage I gathered to ask her that question again beats all the dares I was ever given in the truth-dare game. “ Dear Maira, will you go on a date with me this weekend?” This time I made very clear. She looked up at me with ice cream still on her lips and blinked as if she was in a daze. Then she gave me her big smile and offered her unfinished ice cream to me. I took a bite and off we went hand in hand always together, in joy and sorrow. 

How could I tell her for she had just lightened her heart. A part of me urged to let her know what I was up for in my coming transfer. The other, wasn’t ready to see her in any kind of pain. As I drove her back to her home that evening I gave her a long hug, not knowing if I would ever see her again. As we parted for a brief moment, she asked “ Dev, everything ok?” That moment I kissed her forehead and told her that I had always loved her and forever would and no matter whatever happened she being my powerpuff girl would always find a reason to smile and pursue her dreams.

“ Sure, I will, together we will sweetheart. Don’t be afraid, okay? We are forever together, never to part. I love you too my brave boy.” With this she kissed my lips and bid a bye.

Cover my eyes

Cover my ears

Tell me these words are a lie

It cant be true

That I'm losing you

The sun cannot fall from the sky

Stop every clock

Stars are in shock

The river will flow to the sea

I wont let you fly

I wont say goodbye

I wont let you slip away from me………..

P.S.: The title of this short story has been taken from Kazuo Ishiguro’s book "Never Let Me Go" by the same name, which I recently finished. The opening lines are from the same book.

P.P.S: I marvel at the feeling that words leave us, for you live out in your own mind every felt emotion, every gust of wind, only to blow you away from ‘reality’ even as your feet are stuck to it!

P.P.P.S: Now that you are done reading, listen to this lovely song. The book has also been made into a movie. Catch the same song here with the trailer

Vital Voices

Vital voices

It was vital for

Me to let you know how much

I loved you my friend

Vital are the joys

As much the sorrows ; to blend

In what we call life

Vital is the closeness

And the separation tears

I know your value

Vital are the smiles

Those twinkle in your eyes; let

It dance my dear friend

Linking uo at Haiku Heights, a place I have dearly missed in all this time! Yeah! I'm back with Haiku my friends!:D

Letters from my Love (II)

In continuation from Letters from my Love (I)
I know I might have hurt her sometimes, being human and having some sort of empty spaces somewhere, we are all prone to miscommunications. Yet I feel sorry for the days and those milliseconds when her smile vanished only to be substituted by something disturbing. Her smile was and still is way too precious for me. Seeing that melts me. It has that magnetic power to attract me and I alone know how I hold myself in those moments as much as I'm drawn to her. By the way, I found another letter by her, this time in the pages of my book by Wilde.

I was looking for this particular chapter of his when I found it. Beautifully decorated in her handwriting was written #2. I wondered what she had to say in this one.

"Hey Sunshine. Good morning. Hey moonlight, a blissful night to you. Well, I just thought not knowing what time you would open this I would simply gift you my wishes to whatever part of the day you end up opening it.

There is no purpose or motive behind these letters dear, for all that I have been told is that true love happens sans any purpose, all you gotta do is love and love more.

Expression may come easy to me; believe me words play their own games. I can write but speak I cannot. In many meetings that followed after our first few ones, these lips of mine wished they could utter what the heart had been carrying for long. That love showed but the words lingered lazily. In silence I loved you, still do and will.

I have often thought how it would be for you to read these letters from me. In fact after re- reading I doubted if they were indeed written by me?! And I got my answer love, I got it when my heart whispered to me:

When in love, you end up surprising yourself more often than not!:)

I know not how you feel about us, I know not.....

I only feel the breeze that flows from your heart to mine.... I feel. Yet, do let me know in ways you shall please; shall wait to hear from you.....

And worry not if it is otherwise, my heart shall not stop loving you.

Have a wonderful day!

Ishqaa

Your voice sounds low

Even trial and error method after a time leads to some certainty in understanding that this is good and this is not good for me. And what happens when you step you foot into a different world altogether? A world where you become a part, but inside alone you know trivial things begin to bother you; a place which feeds everyone’s narcissicism to the extent that lost in the need for ‘social validation’ a person forgets that his/ her own opinion is something that matters the most. Well, this was a small note on the world’s most famous social networking website. 

You know something is certainly wrong with you when your normal voice starts sounding low. And what happens when the stars speak to you as well? When the weekly horoscope is written ‘just’ for you even as there are many in the city who have the same horoscope? Such co- incidences happen, why you don’t know. But the just happen.

People say it’s a phase of life and shall pass. I also wonder if they know what being in living each moment in that ‘phase’ means. You hate yourself for not putting yourself to use. It’s like with every second gone your value is depreciating and all you are becoming is rotten like a vegetable that hates itself more than anyone else will.

Surely being rotten is not a good state. You die every moment. And as this happens even the most optimistic of the quotes are seen as if you cannot read them. Or if the Wernicke’s area in the brain does help you to comprehend the glimmer of hope dies even before it rises..

Someone once said to me that she baked cakes only when she was happy. This was not to say that she wasn’t happy at other times, this just meant that happiness in that moment of baking was a ‘recognisable happiness’, perhaps one which came from her heart. 

Also as I remember that happiness can be lived, I also recognise that at times you just want to collapse as much as you hate seeing your self in that position. And then my stars say all I need is patience. An ideal mind is a crappy place to be. totally crappy!

Letters from My Love (I)

I loved her from the bottom  of my heart but I wondered why did I never said  that to her. Even as she surreptitiously left notes hidden in my many cargo boxes which had stories of us, moments spent together smiling, laughing and in love together, I wondered why couldn't this heart of mine gather the courage to simply let her know what she was to me.

Weeks before I was to leave the country she would come by at my place to help me with the shopping and packing. Even as I told her that I could do it on my own, she caressing my cheek told me " Sweetheart, this is one thing I would like to do together" and as always it was hard for me to say her a no.

Today when I read this letter #4 ( which I found in my box of jackets) I was simply amazed to find that the depth of her love for me was infinite. If there could ever be a space, a space so huge which was vast yet full, this was the one. Her love for writing went beyond words. She was a creative writer par excellence. Her forte was expressing the deepest of the emotions in the simplest of the words. She knew what weight words had in them. Here, she tells me that she remembers the walk we had in that national park the other day. It was raining and we had no umbrella.  


                         
As I ran along with her, holding her fragile hands in mine, the wetness kissed our bodies bringing the two together. Like a kid she left my hand and ran for the clouds which blessed her with a million drops of love. I stood there under the shelter marvelling at the way she played, a peacock dancing with glee, was she. And just as I was losing myself in her, she ran to me, took me by my hand and swung me around in that rain that was now ours to be called.

" You may  think I don't remember the way you looked at me dear, for I saw your love in your eyes, in your hands and that brief touch of yours on my waist which felt like a moment lived in eternity in your presence. That day and many more just whispered into my heart that expression of love which you always, maybe, ran away from.

Today as you unpack the boxes of luggage and love, of clothes folded and books read, I gift you my heart which I long back lost....

To you.

And on days you wished me your sweet good night, I wrapped that message around me, feeling you.

Love

Ishqaa"

Sigh.... Never did I ever imagine that a girl would fall for me to such great heights and depths. If words were bridges between two countries separated by miles of oceans, then she sure was a great builder of them.

Letters are not easy to write for you got to think what to write. She just sang her heart out so effortlessly. That ease of being what she was, that extra- ordinary her, was a part of her.

Hey Ishqaa, it may take me a while to fathom the fact that two people can indeed live for no one but each other. At moments I don't feel I'm alive because the happiness of yours when merged with mine is all so ecstatic and divine. As I open my eyes and close them again to test this reality I'm surprised when it says yes.

A while is all I ask for. A while....

P.S. Would love to hear what you have to say on this. A series I'm writing for the first time. It's been a while....

This journey is FUN!!

Haloo Vanilla people!!! Which flavour of icecream do you like it best this summer season?;)

I realised a few moments back the path I have already travelled and the one which awaits me. I also realised that ‘it’s all in the mind’ as always. I have the power to make even my happy moments turn sad as much as I have the power to turn the ‘apparently seemingly disappointing’ moments into happy ones!

So well, I have settled for the latter part.

These are true Summer flip flops! 8)

Who wouldn't like to be here?;)

           Life…………………………..This JOURNEY IS FUN!!
Accompanying Song: Summer Paradise by Simple Plan:

You know something grave is up when you are at loss of words on the second blogoversary……

It’s been some 3 months now and I do not know where my vigour for writing has gone. Earlier I thought it was my dissertation that took away all the space , the way my thoughts were channelized in that direction, but now everything has been completed. May be not, that empty spaces loom in thin air where they are full in their own ways. Full to the extent that if you would prick one of the bubbles that floats in the air, then instead of vanishing it would burst like a cloud of tears. It is funny how rain can take a metaphor for both joy and tears.

A few days back I saw my blog and a fellow blogger’s blog. Yarn of words was never meant to die, never ever (Yet somehow it felt as if it had died a silent death) Also, I’m not one of those bloggers who can easily put a façade and show to the whole world “hey, I can make people laugh no matter how deeply saddened I’m”.  This is not to say I’m gravely saddened but at times you just feel like listening to the soft melancholic songs in your play list coz you are out of words to write or to speak. You are done talking and explaining to others and to yourself. You just want the silence do all its work. But silence is a dangerous arena. As much as it offers beautitude in some moments; at others it is at a big risk of being taken for granted.

I believe whatever happens happens for the best….past experiences have made me have belief in this belief. Yet at times the earth beneath the ground shatters for you end up getting hurt either for some things you took seriously even though they were not meant to reach that stage or others take something to be in a way which is beyond your scope of acceptance. And yes, this is the definition of life. Perhaps it has always been this way.

 HOPE is on my end….Hope!

P.S: To all my bloggyfriends who have been coming by ‘hoping’ for something exciting to come by, my apologies. ( I actually wonder if people have been coming by, for there is nothing to read…..write…may be, but I end up keeping that in another shelf)

P.P.S: The second year got completed yesterday on 2^nd July