When I made love to you

As I waited for the day I'll be meeting you for a date, my heart practiced to re-tune its rhythm. As the beats began to thump to a new music of their own, the effects were seen on my blushing cheeks. Who knew this time I would be meeting you impromptu. My feet skipped gracefully. I l felt people watching me and I didn't care. The place we were meeting at was familiar. The smells, aromas and the sights brought good times back. I knew we were meeting for just ten minutes and those ten minutes were like melting in the Milky Way, getting lost amidst each other’s textures, curves and depths. As you opened yourself waiting to be caressed by me, my lips parted, in exhilaration, for they had been starving for many months.  One bite of yours led me to have an orgasm. With my eyes closed and your taste lingering on my tongue, I dissociated and associated to that crisp aroma and rich flavour that I felt the last time we met. In that moment, I swear I felt infinite. Your gaze, the silence, the aroma and my dissolved self said everything.  Just when I thought I had had enough, I plunged for another bite and oh! I was on a roller coaster. You took me on a high that I resisted and craved for simultaneously. How could you spin such magic and play with me like this? Hmm? 

One after another, I digged deep into you as I discovered and lost parts of myself. I was never as mindful of my being as i was with you.

As I ride back home, I'm filled with you.  My fingers continue to lick the hummus and the pita bread. I'm satiated even as I starve. Can't have enough of you, you know that? Don't you?

The melting candle

The wick of the candle has been burning. It’s been 3 months since it was lit. To the eye that looks at the wax that has melted the weight of the wait, it feels nothing less than pain morphing itself into solid water.

The other day the heavens roared in anger. They shouted at the clouds “Can’t you see her? Carrying on, with hiccups in her throat, and words in her mouth, unable to say what she truly feels?.....Go, travel the oceans and cease the distance!” She looked up at the lightening, scared, melting away, as the days passed.  

The breeze would carry his conversations, mixed with grains of sand, fragrances of the other land and the saltiness of the waters. The other day, when she found herself staring at her reflection, she melted like there was no tomorrow. The moon winced in pain. The wax told her to hold on, for what if there was no more left to melt? She gathered herself, flickered for few moments. And began to burn herself again…..and again….and again….for there was someone burning too.

Let’s talk “death”

The other day I saw Syra reading Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom, she told me she loved the book, so much so that she offered a little faith to a friend as a gift. Few weeks passed and she was found reading Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch again. In an intimate conversation with her, she shared some profound aspects of her reading of the two books: “You know it’s all very well to read, to practice is where the struggle lies, to change the life that has been accustomed to being what it is, is where the true victory is and that my friend can take a whole life and many eternities” she sighed. I bit my lip as I tried to offer a smile, letting her know I could understand what she felt. We stayed like that for a few minutes, exchanging hugs in a space where they reached the inside, without touching the outside. “Have you ever thought about death?” she asked “Have begun to” I answered. “Hmm” “Can I share my thoughts on it?” “Sure, go ahead, I’m all yours”. “Thank you dear” and it went on like this….

“I’m terrified if death knocks at my door. Today, tomorrow or even months from now if it says let me in, I’ll try my level best to shoo it away. But you know how death is, it never asks permission, it just comes by and shakes everything around you, unless you are strong enough like Morrie and Mitch’s Rabi to accept it gracefully. I wonder how many people accept death with open arms. I as of now end up crying every time I think of it. I have lost my grandfather and grandmother. Even as they were losses for me, their deaths happened at the time where most of the people know it’s lurking around. But I dread the day I lose any of my loved ones. I really do. I love them way too much to let them go just like that. No Death, not so soon is what I would like to scream and shout. But that won’t make any difference, right? Once they’ll be gone, they’ll be no coming back. You know what’s sadder? Me trying to strive to be a kinder person every day and failing at it, as the day bids me bye. It’s not easy being kind and gentle when you are immune to being harsh. These words which these books use so beautifully, courage, wisdom, love, kindness are way heavy words than they seem. In each word are millions of stories which people can write, yet their worth is an individual knowledge waiting to be gained…..”

She looked away with tears streaming down her eyes as I lay my hand weakly on her hand. Struggling to catch her breath she wiped her tears and continued….

“I’m not ready for death right now. I don’t know if I have loved people enough to show them how much I have loved them. I have felt it strong and hard inside my heart but failed to offer it in kindness. I have to live to make amendments, to let people know that I’m not the person they think I’m. I want to live because I want to get married to the person I love and have a baby with him so that I can share my stories of courage and retrospection and tell the gorgeous kid that seeing and accepting oneself is one of the most important things in life. I, for now, have a long way to go before I accept who I’m; I don’t even know who I’m. Yet I know there is a beauty which resides in me, which has shown itself in many ways and I’m not willing to let it go. That’s also one of the reasons I would not want death to come near me. I’ve often thought “what if today is my last day, have I lived it well?” to my surprise the answer would rarely be a ‘yes’ and that would make me feel miserable. I hope you understand that I’m not an evil person. I’ve never intended to hurt anybody even as I end up doing that. This brings a thought “why do people not communicate better?” “Why do people shut themselves instead of talking or discussing things through?” I’ve always felt that the world could be such a better place only if people discussed their true emotions to each other” she sighed. “But who am I to complain, I’m part of that crowd too, at times. I think people begin to value you more once they get to know that you are about to die, isn’t it? She looked at me. I shrugged and she understood. “Oh, how would you know? I’m thinking if dying can be thought of as an experience than as something to pity about. I would not like people to pity me if they get to know that I’m dying. Wow! I think I just understood something….. The fact that so much love comes a person’s way when s/he is dying is because death as a topic scares everybody. It’s like a Dementor sapping your happiest moments. The sole reason people change towards you at their knowledge of your death is, that they don’t want their guilt to drive them crazy. Or may be other reasons, I’m unaware of. But this one definitely sounds selfish!” She stopped and drank half a glass of water, looking at me as she took a tissue to blow her nose. “Are you okay?” she exclaimed as tears streamed down my face. I nodded. “Go on….”

“Well I don’t think I have any more to say. All I know is that I’m on a path where I have begun coming closer to my life, in reality and going away any moment will seem a complete loss.” At this we both cried and hugged each other till our tears dried up and became invisible pearls holding each other’s wounds in place. 

Dungeons that saw light

“Do you know how this world is filled with mazes and how we end up entering another only to be relieved by finding way out of the last one?” “On second thoughts, do we ever find a way out, not until we are alive, right?” so began the saga of asking questions flickered by that moments  in which Light would fall on Pain, leading the wound to seethe than to soothe; that which took its own insights to welcome the cure at its best time. Pain was not the only one, down there, it had company. The companies of the others however were fleeting in nature, like a whiff of air, seen for a few seconds and drifting away, only to be invisible, but at the same time, being present. The other day I heard some voices, screaming for Help, filled with Agony, Misery and above all Helplessness and Worthlessness. Amidst those voices resided lakes of Anger, Guilt and Confusion. And far away at the horizon, which had yet to be discovered, lay Peace. As the voices got louder and louder and louder, heaving a want for Death and for Anguish to end, Silence befell and asserted its existence. The lakes dried for few minutes, cleared and made way for Insight, to gather itself and emerge in Hope and Faith. They always go together. Here they were sitting patiently besides Insight. Their silence eased the Pain into tiny molecules which the body felt escaping away from it. As that happened, the wounds came closer and lit up with new molecules which took the place. These were a gift from Belief, handed over by Hope and Faith. Just as the Silence weaved its magic, the Insight gave Pain a hug filled with Perseverance and Care. The echo of the loud voices faded away gradually, now beckoning the other dungeons which were unexplored, which had yet to be entered, only to make Pain feel its presence, not now, but later. For now, it knew that “it had been saved”. However, that was not the end of it. Just before this realisation set in, Wisdom, quietly perched on a rock, a witness to all the events finally parted its lips to say what was ought to be said: “My Dear, you are saved only if you want to be saved”. With this it spread its huge wings and disappeared into an opening, which no one knew about. There sat Pain whose hands were held by Hope and Faith, heart by Belief and mind by Perseverance. In that moment they seemed like a united family, ready to strive and ready to thrive. As goes for the Light, it was there amidst the Darkness.

Earth with-out the Sun

“How did you feel when you fell in love?”

“You want to know?”

“Ahan”

“My smiles were the widest ever. My mind didn't feel tired even as I managed to sleep only for two hours out of elation. To know that there is somebody, in this big world, wanting to offer you all the love they carry inside your heart is an extremely extra-ordinary feeling. That is how I felt that night, my dear. My heart fell at peace for having won the battle against my mind, which gave me its erroneous reasons to stay away. One of my dearest friends gave me a sign to take the plunge. I’m only glad I did. The days that followed that mid night of confession were nothing short of bliss. 

Every date would strum a melodious string of the heart. The heart still keeps discovering the unstrung notes and skips a heart beat here and there. Perhaps that's what they call 'still in love'.

You know dear, when I think about us, all I feel is peace, glee and solitude. It’s like the grass wakes up every morning with the warmth and delight than the Sun offers to her. Looking up at him, she smiles. In that smile are all the conversations that are sacred, solemn and enchanting.

Sacred secrets stored

Serene streams sway

Luxurious lake’s lather

Lullabies lover’s laughs

 Even as I wish to proclaim my love for the Sun, it’s the winters that testify my shivers to the world.

The days that he comes by, the chill disappears, and warmth seeps through the soul. His presence and absence are duly felt inside the chambers of my very existence. And let me leave it at this:

“ What would the Earth be with-out the Sun?” 

Inspired by : The movie, Blue Valentine

Letters from My Love (I)

I loved her from the bottom  of my heart but I wondered why did I never said  that to her. Even as she surreptitiously left notes hidden in my many cargo boxes which had stories of us, moments spent together smiling, laughing and in love together, I wondered why couldn't this heart of mine gather the courage to simply let her know what she was to me.

Weeks before I was to leave the country she would come by at my place to help me with the shopping and packing. Even as I told her that I could do it on my own, she caressing my cheek told me " Sweetheart, this is one thing I would like to do together" and as always it was hard for me to say her a no.

Today when I read this letter #4 ( which I found in my box of jackets) I was simply amazed to find that the depth of her love for me was infinite. If there could ever be a space, a space so huge which was vast yet full, this was the one. Her love for writing went beyond words. She was a creative writer par excellence. Her forte was expressing the deepest of the emotions in the simplest of the words. She knew what weight words had in them. Here, she tells me that she remembers the walk we had in that national park the other day. It was raining and we had no umbrella.  


                         
As I ran along with her, holding her fragile hands in mine, the wetness kissed our bodies bringing the two together. Like a kid she left my hand and ran for the clouds which blessed her with a million drops of love. I stood there under the shelter marvelling at the way she played, a peacock dancing with glee, was she. And just as I was losing myself in her, she ran to me, took me by my hand and swung me around in that rain that was now ours to be called.

" You may  think I don't remember the way you looked at me dear, for I saw your love in your eyes, in your hands and that brief touch of yours on my waist which felt like a moment lived in eternity in your presence. That day and many more just whispered into my heart that expression of love which you always, maybe, ran away from.

Today as you unpack the boxes of luggage and love, of clothes folded and books read, I gift you my heart which I long back lost....

To you.

And on days you wished me your sweet good night, I wrapped that message around me, feeling you.

Love

Ishqaa"

Sigh.... Never did I ever imagine that a girl would fall for me to such great heights and depths. If words were bridges between two countries separated by miles of oceans, then she sure was a great builder of them.

Letters are not easy to write for you got to think what to write. She just sang her heart out so effortlessly. That ease of being what she was, that extra- ordinary her, was a part of her.

Hey Ishqaa, it may take me a while to fathom the fact that two people can indeed live for no one but each other. At moments I don't feel I'm alive because the happiness of yours when merged with mine is all so ecstatic and divine. As I open my eyes and close them again to test this reality I'm surprised when it says yes.

A while is all I ask for. A while....

P.S. Would love to hear what you have to say on this. A series I'm writing for the first time. It's been a while....

Sweet Something

She had come to this city where for every puff of pollution that the vehicles churned out there were trees to take in that dirt and purify it into fresh air. It was her second visit in this city, not to explore around, but more to find her self, in the process called growth.

From her busy schedule she took out some time to meet him. Neither of them had ever met before, sure they had an insight into the poet the other person carried within, and a bit of person as well, a glimpse they would get in feeble moments of ‘on-line-ity’  but beyond that existed this unknown space waiting to be known.

As she fixed her meeting with him, she told him if he could take her to some quiet place, a little away from the hullabaloo of the city.

And he took her there, a place where a million lights lit not only the outdoors making them serene and bright, but one where the liveliness of the other could shine in bright light!

                                    

As they walked in, she marvelled at the lights and the simplicity and extravagance which they displayed at the same moment. She was speechless, for no words in her poetic heart could express what she felt at that moment. She looked at him and smiled her glittery smile, and with no words exchanged or spoken, he smiled back at her feeling the warmth and gratitude in her smile.

                                     

At the corner of this outdoor lay two nice black leather couches. She reached for one and made herself comfy just like a cat would jump onto one and snuggle herself in her soft fur. Her slippers lying on the rust coloured rug made her kolahpuris look like Cinderella’s glass sandals rested on a silk cushion.

In fact this sheer openness on her part made his usually ‘normal’ sitting posture look out of place. As they both sat on the couch facing each other, she with her legs folded sideways in a sitting position looked at him and said

“I cannot stop marvelling at this place you brought me to! I can stay here all night not knowing and not wanting to know when the night would end as another day would begin.”