I'm a great admirer of
life and its ways. If there is one thing that has continued to surprise me, it
has to be life. It's malleable, ductile, strong yet fragile. In fact, it's only
times and situations which bestow upon us its strengths and weaknesses.
Staying in a hostel for
two years of my life was a blessing in disguise. It was extremely hard to
continue, sometimes, as there were days when I felt that ending my life in
those four walls would lead to people's life continuing the same way; perhaps
nobody would know that I was no more, unless they would find me dead, only at
the pretext of having some work to do with me.
There are times when
nobody, no body can help and the walls of your little room stand there, strengthened
by all the tears you drained, the shouts you never screamed and the worst fears
you ever imagined. The walls become your container and start reflecting the
very things you would have run away from, in the presence of your beloved
family. The nights begin to re define
themselves as a day survived and the days call forth for a new beginning and a
new struggle.
Have you ever been in a
situation where for months together you carried on, not for your pitiful self,
but for the dear ones who continued to have faith in you, even as you had given
up on yourself?
The struggle of
collapsing into pieces and collecting those pieces repeatedly isn't easy.
Perhaps it's nothing less than a test of your capacities. A diamond doesn't
shine till it has withered itself in all the darkness, a tunnel only defines
itself to the end which people seek towards the light, a night, my dear
friends, becomes graceful because of the stars.
Having stayed in a
place where people were too busy to spare time for themselves, the walls taught
me to be on my own. They told me not to fear eating alone; more so, they taught
me to love my own company and dine with it, whenever I had the luxury of time,
so I did. I remember an occasion very vividly, I was looking pretty with my tee
tucked inside the pallazos I wore and was off for lunch until a friend met on
the way and asked if I was going to a date? Well, yes I was, with my self!
There were days when I
felt the need of a company but brushed that feeling aside and went ahead by
myself. Today when I look back, those moments have taught me to rely on nobody,
not because they are not reliable but because they lack time, but myself. It's
true when people say that those who stood beside you in times of adversity are
your real friends.
Relationships have
never been just about the softness, for its the sharp edges, the coarseness,
the brittle parts that are chiselled to form something beautiful. The tears
question the doubts just as a little child questions the adult life. The body aches with illness as there's no
time to get sick. The distance sighs at its length, as it's too far to come
closer. The friendship takes a new meaning as the circle begins to shrink. The
home becomes an abode of everything blissful we denied when we had it. The self
becomes a soul, so rich with emotions and experiences, it's like a life within
a life.
As I left my hostel
room, a friend urged me to have a last look of the room and the hostel. I
replied I didn't want to as I had stayed there long enough to not know about
it. Truth was: the walls had made an impression on me which was etched in my
memory. That room of mine cemented my life in a way that leads me to write
about my experience today. It saw me dance, sing, cook, draw, write poetry, all
in my self’s company. That room was life experiencing itself, at the end of a
tiring day!
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| One of my drawings among the many. Drawing, a love I found in those times:) |
