Sunday, May 31, 2015

The walls that saw me grow

I'm a great admirer of life and its ways. If there is one thing that has continued to surprise me, it has to be life. It's malleable, ductile, strong yet fragile. In fact, it's only times and situations which bestow upon us its strengths and weaknesses.

Staying in a hostel for two years of my life was a blessing in disguise. It was extremely hard to continue, sometimes, as there were days when I felt that ending my life in those four walls would lead to people's life continuing the same way; perhaps nobody would know that I was no more, unless they would find me dead, only at the pretext of having some work to do with me.

There are times when nobody, no body can help and the walls of your little room stand there, strengthened by all the tears you drained, the shouts you never screamed and the worst fears you ever imagined. The walls become your container and start reflecting the very things you would have run away from, in the presence of your beloved family.  The nights begin to re define themselves as a day survived and the days call forth for a new beginning and a new struggle.

Have you ever been in a situation where for months together you carried on, not for your pitiful self, but for the dear ones who continued to have faith in you, even as you had given up on yourself?
The struggle of collapsing into pieces and collecting those pieces repeatedly isn't easy. Perhaps it's nothing less than a test of your capacities. A diamond doesn't shine till it has withered itself in all the darkness, a tunnel only defines itself to the end which people seek towards the light, a night, my dear friends, becomes graceful because of the stars.

Having stayed in a place where people were too busy to spare time for themselves, the walls taught me to be on my own. They told me not to fear eating alone; more so, they taught me to love my own company and dine with it, whenever I had the luxury of time, so I did. I remember an occasion very vividly, I was looking pretty with my tee tucked inside the pallazos I wore and was off for lunch until a friend met on the way and asked if I was going to a date? Well, yes I was, with my self!

There were days when I felt the need of a company but brushed that feeling aside and went ahead by myself. Today when I look back, those moments have taught me to rely on nobody, not because they are not reliable but because they lack time, but myself. It's true when people say that those who stood beside you in times of adversity are your real friends.

Relationships have never been just about the softness, for its the sharp edges, the coarseness, the brittle parts that are chiselled to form something beautiful. The tears question the doubts just as a little child questions the adult life.  The body aches with illness as there's no time to get sick. The distance sighs at its length, as it's too far to come closer. The friendship takes a new meaning as the circle begins to shrink. The home becomes an abode of everything blissful we denied when we had it. The self becomes a soul, so rich with emotions and experiences, it's like a life within a life.

As I left my hostel room, a friend urged me to have a last look of the room and the hostel. I replied I didn't want to as I had stayed there long enough to not know about it. Truth was: the walls had made an impression on me which was etched in my memory. That room of mine cemented my life in a way that leads me to write about my experience today. It saw me dance, sing, cook, draw, write poetry, all in my self’s company. That room was life experiencing itself, at the end of a tiring day!
One of my drawings among the many. Drawing, a love I found in those times:) 


Vinay Leo R. said...

I can relate to this post, somewhat, though I haven't been a hostelite. Perhaps, it's that first line of the fourth paragraph which makes it so. And yeah, definitely, I have these friends who have been by my side through adversity, and that has helped. And it reminds me of the song you shared with me long back... Echo by Jason Walker. That song still means a lot to me, and helps me.

Unknown said...

Probably, you want to come back then? :) Your room must be missing you, or may be not, for the next person might be already in.

Aakriti said...

Hey Vinay...well. that song is indeed soulful:)

@Psycho: Come back, sure. Would love. to the city and the weather. Somethings have a lasting impression, however that doesn't mean you would want the whole journey to be repeated!
P.S: That room was waiting to be taken!:D

Sarah malik said...

I can relate to your post in more ways than one. The year I took a drop to prepare for my medical entrances was one such year for me. I lived on my own but only for the sake of my loved ones did I carry on. Each moment was a new low and things seemed to be totally stagnant and lost. But by the end of that year, I jumped back as s stronger and more confident self. I am now proud that I managed to survive that year and with much ease!
It was a pleasure reading you.

Aakriti said...

Dear Sarah, Nietzsche said something and meant it: " That which doesn't kills you makes you stronger!" Cheers to us, for seeing it through:)

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