THE DIFFERENT VOICES IN MY HEAD….

Heloz to everyone there. Hope you doing well. Before you start thinking from the title of this post that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (earlier known as Multiple Personality Disorder), let me clear all the airs. Or rather wait for a while and you’ll know it for yourself why this post has been titled as that.

Since quite some time, I have been perturbed about issues of maintaining good, healthy social relationships. I don’t know if you consider this as a topic of interest even worth reading, but for me relationships matter a lot (not only in reality, but also when it comes to figuring out what they are, their nature, content and so much more).

Some of the things I’ve been hearing from my friends are:

1. People these days are not trustworthy, so BE ON YOUR GUARD. Start from NOT trusting them, and when you think they have done something to win your trust, that is when perhaps you can go ahead and ‘trust’ them. (It’s like giving a trust an entire new definition, that which belongs to the ‘today’s GENX’!)
2. It takes a good amount of skill to handle social relationships. It is an art. (And just when I begin to appreciate my friend for the way she handles things and people, she becomes modest and tells me ‘it’s all in the name of experience’- Sad I don’t have much of it you see :/).
3. And then there are others who tell you, that ‘all are not the same’, see for yourself and you’ll get to know..blah blah. (Thank you! this is one of the basics I learnt in Psychology- that individual differences exist!).

And now the voices which have been dancing in my head, making it difficult for not only me but perhaps for those around me to figure out what ‘I’m actually up to?’

I wish it was easy to explain, but I’ll try my best. One part of the voice which I hear is which keeps telling me NOT to trust people, the other part tells me that people are not actually bad and then I bump into this third one in the newspaper today…and here it goes :

“Live more authentically. Drop the masks; they are a weight on your heart. Be exposed. Of course it is going to be troublesome but that trouble is worth it because only after that trouble will you grow and become mature. And then nothing is holding life. Each moment life reveals its newness. It is a constant miracle happening all around you says Osho.”

While I could write a good number of words on this thought itself, but I’ll refrain from doing so. The matter of concern right now comes down to a conflicting situation: Should one be an open book, like the way Osho says ‘expose yourself, and drop your masks’ or should one wear masks, portraying a different self with different people? ( Some of you might think that what Osho is saying might not be akin to being an open book, but that is what I think of it to be for the time being- You see moment to moment our perspectives might mould in different shapes).

All I know is that I haven’t ever tried buying masks leave alone wearing them! I’m what I’m ( haha Reebok’s liner) and yes that is true. But surely this doesn’t apply to everyone around me. There will be people who often go to the Masks Market, to sell their old ones in order to buy the new and the latest ones, or there may be those who have been wearing the same mask for years, unable for you to identify the real side of them (so that mask is what you take it to be as real!).

Why I’m talking about all this is because there is this third voice in there too, that which is pure, that which is ‘my own’, which you might term as my gut feeling or what my instinct says. Now the cynical aspect comes in when these very people will give you a good nice so called ‘advice’ and then go on to say “But in the end do what your heart says”. Oh! Sure, as if all this talk of yours left that little pure bit in my heart as pure. Even my purest piece of heart gets all saddened by the impurities around it and says “Ah! Great, is there any area in here for me to live?”

What happens to me eventually? I get all entangled it the threads of the social obligations (being nice to people, don’t stop talking to them right away because you never know when you might need them, they are your elders, so respect them no matter what they say to you and the list goes on….) I hope you do realize my situation and its perspective too. And then I think that are social relations all about selfishness, fakeness? Is there no space for pure exchange of emotions, where you can be yourself? So every time you step out of your home sweet home, you inevitably are wearing a mask even though you are oblivious to that fact?

Oh dear!! I wish life wouldn’t have been this complex. The vicious circle of whom to trust and whom not to trust will takes it course to us being hurt if we become too friendly, or rather our ‘very own self’ with that person. And who is the cause of that hurt? Oh not the other person, you see, it’s YOU!! (Yeah…because your friend told you not to trust and you went too far, oh don’t you shed your tears now ok?)

This and the network of threads which are intertwined with these make social living a hell carved out from the heaven (what it used to be at one time). And the fact is that with the technology and the advancement happening around us in every nanosecond, things are only getting more confusing and complex. (If not for you, but at least for me)

Signing off with a HOPE and a BELIEF that the threads shall get untangled some day and that people will continue to be nice and good the way I have thought of them to be!!

Let Hope never die

This poem was an afterthought after watching the movie the Shawshank Redemption. Heart touching, instilling, sad yet bright and cheerful…after all is that not our life too is about?

As I read the “Man’s search for meaning”,

By a man called Frankl, simple yet great,

And by a movie so touching and lively,

A hope that instilled the soul,

The redemption from the Shawshank,

The freedom, the liberation,

All lived on HOPE,

A spirit to strive for,

To live life to the core.

How we as individuals,

Get saddened, depressed and weak,

It’s only when life hits us hard,

We realize our deep strengths indeed,

For the gloominess that in moments does surround,

Leaves a glimmer of Hope deep down,

It may take months or even years,

But the hope does its work, to bring some cheer,

To live up to its name sans any fear!

Like a silver lining,

Like a shiny sun after the rain,

Hope instills life as it gives pain,

And for all that is to come,

I too have given a name,

To a secret diary of mine,

To which "HOPE", I have named!!

My watched steps

No matter how I wish to express,

The way I always do,

I see others respond to what you say and do,

I wish to say what I feel,

Words from my heart to you,

But something stops me,

I don’t know what it is, nor do I have a clue!

The space which you give me, when around,

Seems all closed when others surround,

Apprehension, inhibition force me to back out,

And I’m left feeling helpless,

I say what I don’t wish to!

How absurd this society is,

Making us do what we had never wished to,

Caught in the webs of relations and obligations,

We hate those who love us,

And whom we hate we tend to woo!

As I watch my steps,

Unaware who they listen to,

Me, my inner voice or the society?

The latter we made ourselves,

Not to lead, but to follow!

If ever I feel reticent,

And you sense the awkwardness in me,

When the ‘world’ is gone, and alone we stand,

Freely ask what I had to say,

And in my eyes you had seen,

Perhaps then I may not recall,

If I was frustrated, anxious or angry,

Just give me a hug filled with sweet warmth,

And let me erase all memories!

KUCH SAWAAL

Dear All, this is my very first attempt with hindi poetry, and I'm very nervous and anxious at how this will be received.

A sudden thought of how I used to write hindi led me to write a poem in hindi too. So here it goes( Fingers crossed)...

Yeh zindagi ki dastan,

Ek ajeeb paheli hai.

Yeh rishte jo pal mein bante,

Pal mein tootte, jaise do saheli hain.

Jab doori chahi, toh nazdeek bulakar,

Ghamon ko bandhe, jaise ek kone mein,

Aur jab paas aana chaha,

Toh mano waqt hi ho gaya (jaise paraya).

Lamhein bhi ajeeb khel hain,

Jis raftaar par badalte,

Usi par chalkar door hote hain.

Prashn par prashn tang karte hain,

Yeh bhi zindagi ka chakkar chalte hain.

Jo jawaab mile, milte hi kho jate hain,

Is luka chuppi ke khel mein,

Hum na jeette na harte hain.

Abhi toh jeena shuru kiya hai,

Is bhaag daur ke khel mein,

Abhi toh shararat chooti hai,

Is zindadil dil mein.

Kyun na karun sawaal?

Yeh zindagi meri hai,

Kheloongi woh bhi magn hokar,

Kya hua, agar paheli hai?

WHO BAKES A CAKE ON THEIR OWN BIRTHDAY??

The other day as I surfed through blogs, I happened to see one blog in which the girl had made a list of certain things, one of the points read as “Who bakes a cake on their own birthday??” The way that girl said it felt as if she was saddened by the fact that none of her friends baked a cake for her or got it for her on her B -day!!

This made me thinking. I thought that till date no one had ever baked a cake for me on my birthday (my mom didn't know how to bake, and my friends who do know never baked a cake for me or for that matter got it for me). But even before this thought could sadden me, it vanished as it came!! You know why?? It is because

THIS TIME...

This time don’t stop me from going,

‘Coz I really do need a break.

This time don’t say nice words,

‘Coz you’ll melt my heart again.

This time let love beckon you,

As your heart wishes to follow.

This time I’ll take some steps back,

Though my heart does feel hollow.

This time I’ll find myself,

My friends, whom I forgot.

This time don’t ask any questions,

Why we cared and why we fought?

This time I’ll smile as I cry,

For I forgot the distance as we met.

This time I’ll be “me” again,

Like on seashore the grains were left!!

Fussball (Football) Fever

I really do not know how to start. And this time I’m very very serious, not because I have loads of thoughts on my mind that I do not know where to start, this time it is much the opposite.

I’ve been seeing since few years how keenly my brother watches Foot ball matches, how lovingly and passionately the town, the city and countries come to life whenever FIFA WORLD CUP happens.

And I have always wondered what is there in football that brings people from different countries together. A friend of mine who plays football and is a wild fan of Manchester United ( GGMU!!) responds to this question of mine by saying that the passion, the drive that is there in this game is something you cannot see in any other game. I asked him that this game is so ‘rough’, players go around shoving each other to take the ball?? And to that he replied that it is the ardor, obsession and the fervor, the urge to make your country proud by every move of yours, by every goal you make and players who are playing in the World Cup are there for a purpose. Indeed, yes!

Over the years all I have praised this game is for (except for the awesome goals that were made) it’s cute and hot players. Sorry, but it was something which I shared with you very honestly. I have absolutely no clue about this game. I do not know what all tricks the players use, why and when Red, Yellow cards are given (though I do know they are given when the player misbehaves), and am completely unaware of the rules.

Every time I asked my brother to tell me the rules, he would tell me “later” and that later hasn’t arrived till date.

Moreover (I’m sorry this might be very disappointing to read) but I have no idea about the names of the teams, have heard a few like Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester United. That’s it. I don’t even know the names of the players except for a few.

My brother and I watched few months back the movie Goal and Goal2 and I loved both of them. Thanks to him I love the ads of Puma, Adidas, Nike, and Reebok which casts lead Football players having fun.

The enthusiasm, the zest with which people cheer for teams is something which I do not connect to, and feel sad about. And now I do not know if I can be made to or rather make myself fall in love with this game, or even after years when I re-read this I’ll still be feeling sad that I know nothing about the game, its players nor about its team, except for knowing where the next Fifa World Cup is gonna happen.

Before I end this I would like to share what made me write this post in the very first place. It was the ‘echo’, the true feel of the song ‘The Waving Flag’ by Kannan that made me think of a huge football ground with spectators cheering for their teams, and everywhere you look around all you see is anger, drive, energy, passion, and craze of the football fans for their country and for their teams.

No wonder then that FOOTBALL the most loved and followed game in most of the countries!!!:)

MY QUESTION

Do you understand how much it takes?
To give a portion of my heart out to you?

Not in piece, I’ll bleed,
But in space, I tell you!

What’s in a piece, tell me?
I gave you a room, a private suite,

You stayed for a good time,
Enjoying the luxuries,

Soon you might get bored,
And tell me I got to leave”,

The empty space, the talking corners,
The joyous lights, the charm of a visitor,
All will be gone, to make it lifeless.

A heart is not a hotel,
A room where anyone can enter,
A heart is a place very sacred,
You earn a space to live in there,

And if at all you didn’t value,
All the talks ‘the heart’ did,
If you thought, one day,
You’ll go just the way you came,
My heart might with sorrow,
For sure would immensely pain.

It’s strange, it a gave a space,
To a ‘stranger’, one unknown,
And now it’s helpless,
‘Coz it’s too late,
To back out to create a filter.

Don’t tell me when you’ll leave,
Or should I say, leave a note?
It’ll be better to not have a memory,
What’s the point, once you’ll be gone?

Like before, my heart will cry,
Might ache and bleed to the core,
But time is a great healer,
With time, the wound shall mature.

The way I attached myself to thee,
I know not how it happened?

And I’m not an analyst like you!
To dig deep and find answers from clues.

Am I blessed to have found you?
Or scared enough that you might leave?

If I don’t see you again,
I’ll preserve the moments,
And forever shall, in safe, keep!!