“Every new relation modifies a substance to a greater or lesser extent”
(exponent of dvaita school of Vedanta)
It’s been a while since I have been thinking of writing on ‘relations’ and ‘relationships’, and perhaps the time is right.
As I was taking a walk few moments ago, I was trying to call my close friends, and no one, ‘NO ONE’ picked up. Sure, as we grow, life gets really busy, but somehow and dunno how I always manage to keep in touch with people I wish to. And this ‘quality’ of mine, pointed out by a friend, is actually making me feel frustrated.
Why do I care to keep in touch? Why do I care to text them or call them? It’s not that I’m all ideal and have no work to do. And because of precisely this habit of mine, I felt as if all my friends were dead to me. As if I had no one to talk to; not even my ‘besties’.
I’m tired of keeping in touch. I’m tired of making people feel special every now and then by what I do for them. It’s not just my job to let them know that I miss them and wish to talk to them. Sure it’s not. And if they don’t call me, does that in any way means that they don’t think of me?
Few days back I got a call from a school friend who told me that she had been thinking of calling me and wanted to meet me. I genuinely felt good and thanked her. You know what response I got to this? She thought I was being sarcastic; and then I had to tell her that I was ‘really’ thankful for her sweet gesture.
I’m just wondering where do I take this habit or perhaps gesture of mine to? Does this mean I always want people to be near? Or that I can’t imagine being alone? Sure…I cannot and apparently I did go through a small phase of ‘weirdness’ when I found no one to talk to as my Masters started few months back.
But it’s not that I wish to talk to any damn person. In fact of late all I wish to do is retreat into my shell, for I don’t wish to make any new friends, or share with them ‘Who Aakriti is all about’ coz unlike me people don’t seem to value friendships. They talk, they share, they become a part of my ‘friend circle and life’ only for a while….and then…silence.
PS: I'm tired of being modified by the relations which have come my way...is that what one gets as one embraces people with kindness??