The want to be with my ‘self’

It dawned on me today, how it feels when no one is around you. You feel low for certain reasons, but the reasons do not oblige you by giving the answers you have been looking for. You feel as if there is this vacuum in and around you, and all that you can make sense out of it comes in the form of conversations which appear fake, which do not touch you the way you thought they would.

Being comfortable with silence is the most hard thing to do, for it requires understanding and respecting oneself, which often we do not do. My best friend told me that after being hurt by almost everyone in her college, a time came in her life, when she stopped bothering about people and things. So to cheer up her low moods and herself, she would go alone, indulge in some retail therapy or simply go to Mc Donalds and have a burger all by herself!! Yes ‘alone’! I was shocked and amazed at her boldness.

I thought of doing this today, since I had no one to give me company or talk to, but during that process, I realized that it requires a lot of courage to do that. That which my friend somehow gathered, that which time taught her to do!

One valuable thing which I’ll remember forever, which she shared with me is that ‘make yourself so comfortable and so sufficient that you need no one to make you happy, not even me, so, if, a day comes when you need someone you yourself are capable enough to bring a smile on your face’. Such lessons take time to learn, and I’m still in the process of learning them. I believe that someday I can reach this position.

My thoughts lead me to a question, that why is it so difficult for us to be with ‘ourselves’? Why do we need music, tv, movies, for that matter talks with people or friends to fill that space? We deliberately indulge in all such things (a defense mechanism) to escape that even one single moment of silence which gets created when we are with ourselves. And that is supposed to be enjoyed and cherished.

Some people make it so hard for themselves that even in their sleep, thoughts and worries about their relations with others etc. haunts them, hence, leaving them with no peace at all.

The calmness, the patience with which my grandparents nurtured me, is hardly to be seen in these days. With a fast paced life, we all have become habitual enough, to continuously speak, act or work in ways, which does not leave a moment of reflection or thought. I think, that is where it becomes hard to retrospect, to peep inside our own selves.

Fortunately, I’m glad that I’m in touch with my ‘inner’ being, my emotions which for long time have perplexed me and perhaps will continue to do so in future too. I’m glad, that I have the ability to express myself, to tell the world that this is what it is. And though like many others, I’m not perfect either, yet the space to be with my ‘self’ is enriching.

PS: I also realized that nothing can be safer and comfortable than our own home. Home is where the heart is, home is where we live, home is where we may not be at our best, and perhaps that is why it is the best!! Think of this home as your ‘inner self’ where you are not at your best, yet it is all accepting!

With this thought I bid adieu!!